Since we spent a lot of time on the road, and there were no portable TV’s, DVD players, iPods (although, I did get a Walkman when I was about 14), or Nintendo DS systems; my parents made it their mission to come up with little, quirky, frequent stops along our journey to keep us from killing each other in the back of the van. Not to mention, I was very prone to car sickness (still am), so en route, I was almost always green. That alone, made us have to stop often - whether it be to let me toss my cookies on the side of a road-kill-laden road, or at least to dispose of the puke bag I had filled to the rim. Looking back, it really didn’t help that our van had no windows at all in the back (I’m sure that was by design, since my parents most likely didn’t want people or cops to see all of us seatbelt-less kids tussling around back there).
In my parent’s quest to seek out odd and unusual (appropriately fitting) kitschy roadside attractions, this often took us on some offbeat, wacky, and longer-than-necessary detours. Whether it was the largest statue of a praying mantis in Pennsylvania, the largest ball of twine in Kansas, the largest Rubik’s Cube in Tennessee, or the largest garden gnome in New York – we’ve seen it all (and then some). I mean really, how many kids can say they bought a shot glass from the gift shop at Dr. Bob’s House in Akron (where Alcoholics Anonymous began) or slept in a real Indian Tee-Pee (well, I didn’t really sleep, more like shrieked all night because something was always crawling on me)? Hell no, I wasn’t deprived.
These stops always ended up being a huge production, too (shocker, I know). Almost never did these weird and wacky places have a toilet near (or even within 30 miles) so we always had to make our own (TMI – shut up). The camper we were always yanking behind us didn’t have one either. Even though totally illegal, after hundreds of miles of dealing with us unruly kids, my parents would “let us” ride back in the camper for a bit. Talk about tossing cookies – riding back there was like being a lottery ball in one of those machines bouncing up and down and all around. It was a regular pukefest back there, but hell, we had fun. Never mind, that a couple of us needed stitches and had a concussion for part of the trip (at least we were quieter when we were passed out).
Also, since my parents were so damn cheap (our gas-guzzler-big-ass-camper-towing van got like two miles to the gallon), they were always trying to cut corners. Our “adventures” almost always had us kids, grandma (and at least one dog) sleeping in the musty-old-no-toilet-or-air-conditioning camper. Or worse, a TENT! While my parents got the plush, fold-out bed in the back of the crap-cleared-out-eight-track-playing-air-conditioned van. No matter how much I begged, pleaded, and promised to be nice to my sisters (fingers crossed behind my back), my parents almost never sprang for a hotel. Hell, I would’ve settled for a freakin’ Bates Motel (would’ve been less scary).
Not to mention, we almost never stopped at restaurants along our travels either. After about the third day in a row of eating frozen burritos heated on the van radiator, the novelty kind of wears off. Plus, it took me years before I figured out there was no such thing as “adventure milk” and that it was not supposed to be curdled or smell like vomit. There were also times when I caught grandma scouting road kill and I had my suspicions about dinner that evening. I also remember a trip when one of grandma’s dogs “disappeared” only never to be seen again…hmmmmmmmm. Of course, when in doubt, I never ate (that’s probably why I was skinny back then – thanks mom and dad!). When I got to be a teenager, I was finally seasoned enough to start squirreling away packaged snacks to smuggle into my bag for our trips so I wouldn’t starve. I was pretty slick too, since I never got caught and risk being forced to share with the other vultures that weren’t as smart as me to plan ahead.
Flash forward 20-30 years, and now I have officially turned into my parents (minus the roadkill, radiator burritos, camping and grandma). I only stay in hotels (indoor pool, room service, mini-bars, and separate kid's room are must-have amenities). I might cave and stay at a motel if it’s just a pit stop to catch a few zzzzzz’s on our way to the four-star. I do go to www.roadsideamerica.com before each one of our road trips and map our route looking for the wild and wacky things we can do along the way. After all, who doesn’t want to see the world’s largest toilet (BTW – you can slide down inside it – I gotta go)???
