For this is the reason I have never taken up chess. Believe me, it is all for the well and good of whoever would be chessing with me. That game requires waaaayyyyy too much concentration and strategy (which is only fun in mind games). Most assuredly, by my second turn, I would be ready to rook somebody’s eye out or queen the other player in the ass, so don’t ever ask me to play (unless you’re into that kinky sort of thing). Just don’t complain that you weren’t amply warned.
I also despise, whole-heartedly, reading directions. I put together anything in our house that needs assembly because I don’t like waiting for it to get done. However, I don’t read the how-to directions, so I just slap it together the way I think it should go. Big tinkle if the chairs are lopsided or if the swing falls off the first time a kid gets some good air (that’s why the swing set is on the grass and not concrete). My kids have learned quickly that life is full of surprises and I am proud that I have thoroughly prepared them for life’s little ups and downs. The unknown lies in wait for them around every corner. They never know if a doorknob is going to pop off in their hand or if their dinner will contain tree bark (good source of fiber and roughage).
Furthermore, when the unthinkable happens; I actually have to read directions because I can’t figure it out (rare occurrence) on my own, I only skim them quickly enough to get the gist. Seriously, who really has to know that Oxycontin has a daily dosage limitation? Doesn’t ones body know when it feels good enough to stop taking it on its own? I don’t need instructions to tell me that. However, my doc only seems to prescribe me enough for one day at a time. WTF??? Doesn’t he know that I don’t have the time (or patience) to be running to the pharmacy every day for my 40 count bottle?
Let it be known too, that when you put shit together, those manufacturers always put tons of extra screws, nuts and bolts in those bags that come with the goods. I have found that you usually only need a couple of those incidentals to assemble a decent bicycle, ladder, or piece of exercise equipment. Besides, if I wanted a bike that didn’t go sideways (I like a challenge), I would’ve married Lance Freakin’ Armstrong. Therefore, when I say that I am extra nuts and have more than a few loose screws, I am speaking both literally and figuratively.
All things considered though, my lack of patience really rears its ugly head when I have to wait for stupid people. I'm sorry, but I don’t really give a flip if you didn’t have time to put stamps on your 500 thank you letters at home, but don’t waste 20 minutes of my life while you park smack dab in front of the bank of the drive-up mailboxes while you lick and stick each one (news flash moron mailbox blocker – they make self-stick now). At the very least, don’t give me the hairy eyeball when I blast my horn 1,273 times until you finally move your Prius hybrid. After all, it is my right since I am patience-handicapped (ooohhh - do they make a placard for that?)
I also have every right to cut in front of you in line at Baskin Robbins because you think it’s so adorable that little Johnny can read each and every 31 flavors to the ice cream scoop artist (politically correct?). My kids can do that too (so what if your child is only 3 and can read Harry Potter) and I don’t prance them around with a little tip cup shamelessly trying to start a college fund (I’m just jealous I didn’t think of that when they were younger and adorable).
Although I realize my lack of capacity to endure waiting may sometimes create havoc, thus taking valuable minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years off of my life, I prefer to live on the edge and take chances. Life is just too short for me to have to read directions, follow rules, and wait for stupid people.
