My Big, Fat Head Started ALL of This...

I have the world’s biggest head. Even as I child my head was inordinately large. My colossal cranium has been a burden my whole life - even going back to before I was born. My mom said she was never the same after she was finally able to expel me from her womb. However, she always put a positive spin on it. She said my younger sisters just kind of fell out onto the floor when they were ripe for the picking. Glad I could help you with that, mom. It is the least I could do since I pretty much ruined your sex life from 1971 on...but surgeons have made tremendous strides in fixing that kind of thing, so I've heard...

However, my first memory of my ginormous noggin causing insurmountable turmoil was my infamous 1974 Ballad of Burger King. You know those paper crowns they give out to kids at Burger King? One size fits all, my ass! I was the only kid in that place without one. Yep, nothing screams freak more than no Burger King crown, you know? That is, until one day my mom got tired of my meltdowns at the counter and wised up and brought her own scotch tape. She asked for an extra crown and taped two together for my elephant-man-sized head. Then I thought I was all that (and a bag of chips) and commanded the attention of the entire restaurant by sticking fries up my nose, standing on a neighboring tabletop and proclaiming I was the walrus king (and I don’t even like The Beatles). I guess being a diva starts at a very young age…