One of my more ongoing, yet intriguing studies, is my unofficial kleptomania-while-under-the-influence study. Through the years I have observed (and partaken in) this mystifying enigma of human behavior. Why do people, such as me, for instance, suddenly get the urge to take things that don’t belong to them when they have had a drink or two (or three or four)? Honestly, I don’t even take an extra salt packet at restaurants or lollipops at the bank when I’m sober (unless they are grape – LOVE the grape), but give me a couple cocktails and I’ll be trying to pillage the plumbing or even ransack the rafters. Seriously, the next day I’ll wake up with all kinds of crap that makes me wonder, “WTF was I thinking when I lifted this?!?!”
The other night is a perfect example. Hubby and I went to a few bars with another couple. The guys were all into their silly basketball game (some NCAA foolishness), so my friend and I were instigating (more her than me, for once) trouble. She was so enamored by the British menu books that she flipped one right into her purse (I mean suitcase – that sucker needs wheels, it’s so big). Of course, I got jealous because I wanted to have a British menu book with the Brit Lit lingo and jolly good pictures too, so I shoved one in her suitcase for me (I didn’t want to get busted with the goods). I would have NEVER had done that had I not just had “Sex On The Beach” or “Twist and Shout” (cocktails, sicko).
In another example of human peculiarities (those, I have a bazillion), last fall the hubs and I attended a friend’s wedding (open bar = kleptomania). It was a very fun night followed by the usual WTF morning. Hubby and I assessed our newly accrued klepto cache and we had the usual matchbooks, silverware, candlesticks, etc. However, we also had somehow acquired hairspray, deodorant (Speed Stick for men), a tablecloth and a yamucka (double WTF since this was NOT even a Jewish wedding). Of course, we felt terrible about the heist and set about to return the deodorant (not like WE wanted it) to its rightful owner ASAP.
Despite having been part of this shameful (albeit, hilarious) activity, my friends, through the years have been WAY worse. I mean, really, do you know of any spectacular uses for a broken hubcap or somebody else’s retainer (ewwwww)??? I can think of none. In fact, a cabbie’s photo ID badge (unless you could be twins) and a urinal cake (double, triple and QUADRUPLE EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW) are pretty friggin’ useless in my book, as well. I need to either get smarter friends or give them some lessons on how to acquire some useful shit (like coasters, salt and pepper shakers, and stirrers) while under the influence.
My hypothesis is consistantly being proven in that you can give anyone (of loose morals) a few drinks and place some irresistible crap nearby, and it will inevitably make its way home with them. I love it when I’m right...
